**Please note, this short-story about two t-shirts does not represent an actual “fight.” For ethical / legal purposes, we do not “condone violence.” Only internet humor and David vs. Goliath sh*t.
“LET’S GET RIGHT TO IT, TONIGHT!!
From the first corner of the Ring, officially weighing in at 12.6 ounces, Jessica!!… the Reigning Fast Fashion Cheap T-shirt Champ of the world. Bammm!!!
With over 2 billion Jessicas sold globally per year, it’s no wonder fashion is the world’s second worst polluter…
Jessica is second to none.
With over 100000000000000000(x) knock-outs, she’s the Outstanding Champion Fighter in this Ring tonight… and really, every night. She has the most titles. Have you seen them all??... No one stands a chance. Don’t even try!
Wait, what?! … You don’t support Jessica? Doesn’t matter, her Team crushes you like a bug. Bullying? Mmmmmm….they use that term loosely.
Just CONFORM. Always support and wear Jessica if you know what’s good for you...
Otherwise, it’s the inside of the locker for you.
You deserve it, after all. You’re broken. Ugly, poor, fat, deformed … not like Jessica. She’s perfect and super rich! Not a stich out of place, except the seams keep falling apart.
Onto her outfit …what we all really came to see!!
Her hot pink robe says ‘Malibu,’ yet she’s actually joining us here from Guatemala, Honduras, or was it, Bangladesh?...
We’re still not sure.
Her frequent travel definitely works up a sweat. Probably why it takes 700 gallons of water just to make one, Jessica. Keep that water coming TEAM… Fill her up! She needs it!!
She’s ready today though, no question! No title losses either. Only cost $11.99 from the discount rack. At the click of a mouse, armies of workers get back to work! They make another Jessica immediately in lightning speed!
… OH WOW, there’s already another Jessica on the way! Unbelievable!!!
Let’s all give it up to the World’s Reigning Champ, Malibu!.... Jessica is here to defend her Championship TONIGHT!
Who’s the underdog in this fight? …
Coming in strong from the Right Corner, officially weighing in at 13.71 ounces, Jamie stands TALL ready to take on the World Champ tonight.
She’s a gritty newcomer. A wild card.
Calls herself an ‘eco-friendly tee’ and ‘part of the Fashion Revolution.’ Says they’re ‘earth warriors, fighting for the environment and against slave labor.’
Never heard of them. Definitely more of a raw, natural fighter.
It’s a good thing she’s not new to fighting with these odds. Stories came out that she got bullied as a kid, and learned to fight back… OH BUT look at her now!!
THUNDER mic DROP!
Passion will serve her well against Jessica. Especially given the two have a well-known, long-standing feud.
No suspense—Jamie said she doesn’t, quote, ‘give a rat’s a*s about Jessica and wishes she’d leave already, so she can move on with her life.’ End quote. Yikes!
The Press jumped all over it of course … vultures, but Jamie’s attorneys shut it down. They do that a lot.
She’s here tonight with us though! Representing QUEENS, New York. Keeping it local, real.
They say, ‘she came from nowhere.’
Yes, and with her 98 recent knock-outs, and a huge recent regional win, she’s definitely climbing…but this ain’t your basement anymore, Jamie. You’re in the big leagues, tonight!
Can she take the pressure?...
We’ll see! One thing is clear though. There’s no break for Jamie tonight…or any night. She’s the underdog and knows it.
Water?... Ha! She doesn’t take water breaks. Read all about how ‘we’re in a global water crisis, so she searched far and wide to avoid that problem.’
Fashion? Her robe is green and has butterflies all over it. It says ‘recycled.’ That didn’t use water either!
Jamie’s publicist also confirmed that she took scraps from three broken Jessicas and created her robe from its rubble.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, she said. Her stage name? Chaos.
Jamie ONLY channels the greats when she fights.
After the fight, Jamie confirmed she’s staying to celebrate with fans before she attends a charity event.
She put up a sign on the front door that said, ‘let’s FIGHT climate change after the fight tonight.’ We took it down, but she put it back up again, so we left it alone.
Jessica confirmed she’s leaving immediately after the fight. Get your time in now before it’s too late!!
Let’s ALL give it up to the underdog, Jamie—taking on the big guns like she has a chance. Jessica has the advantage, but Jamie has a lot of fire. That’s why she’s CHAOS. Bammm!!!
Prepare for ONE HELL of a FIGHT here tonight, folks!!
Who will win?????... …. ….. ….. ….
Let’ssssss get ready to …. find out!!!! Rock and roll!!!!!!”